I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. 
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. 
Baseball wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk. 
Virgin like balloon -- one prick, all gone. 
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew. 
"Marge, it takes two to lie.  One to lie and one to listen." - Homer Simpson
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. 
Life would be great if it weren't for people. 
My mind is like an open book. Hooked on Phonics to be exact. 
Why do fools fall in love?? To reproduce and outnumber us. 
Yoda of Borg are we: Futile is resistance. Assimilate you, will we.
"I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be ...ooooh donuts!"
And now for some feedback: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Oh Lord give me patience... NOW!
Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.
Age and knowledge don't always come together. Sometimes you just get the age...
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Need help? Just write your questions down on the back of $20 dollar bill and send them to me.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Sure, when... - OINK FLAP OINK FLAP - Well I'll be damned!
Today's subliminal thought is: [ .... ]
Crime doesn't pay, but the hours are good.
Help, I've fallen and I can't... Hey, nice carpet!
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Some people have a way with words, while others... erm... thingy.
For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
There's a typo in this sentence, but it slides away when your eyes move toward it.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
"It's all coming back to me now", said the blind man as he peed into the wind.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
And God said, "Let there be light", and there was light. And everyone said, "Hey, cool! Do You do parties?".
I doubt therefore I might be.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way. You get it my way or you don't get the damn thing.
The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I could care less...
"AOL for Dummies" is kind of redundant, don't you think?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
When all else fails, admit I'm right and kiss my ass.
If ignorance is bliss, I guess that would explain why I'm so miserable!
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
On the road of life, there are windshields and there are bugsplats.
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.
Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid but you're abusing the privilege.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.
Punctuality: the virtue of the bored.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Death: Life's way of saying you can let go of your ankles now.
Taxpayer: Someone who doesn't have to take a public service exam to work for the government.
Hangover: The wrath of grapes. 
Insane: When you're nuts and it bothers you. (Crazy is when you're nuts and you like it).
Diplomacy: The ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way he looks forward to the trip.
Reality: A crutch for people who can't face drugs.
Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
Diplomacy: The art of saying 'Nice doggie!' ... till you can find a rock.
Alibi: proof that you were in two places at once.
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
Honest politician: One who, when bought, stays bought.
Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Hospital: Where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill.
Committee: A group of people that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
To some it's half empty, To some it's half full. To me it's time for a beer run!
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!
Scotch - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
If you receive something that says 'Send this to everyone you know,' pretend you don't know me.
We have to belive in free will. We have no choice.
Time flies... after you hit the snooze button.
Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.
Life is a test, and I didn't take very good notes.
If nobody knows the troubles you've seen, then you don't live in a small town.
The Lawyer's Creed: "A man is innocent until proven broke."
To err is human, to forgive... unlikely.
Fortune tellers are for the poor. Psychics are for the rich.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
They say the grass is greener on the other side, but have you ever flipped it over?
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
Living in fear is the same as fear of living. Either way, you have no life.
The original color of coca-cola was green.
Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
More people are killed by donkeys than plane crashes.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
Seen on the men's room wall at the BoardWalk Blues Cafe in Nashville - "I screwed your mother" and below it was written - "Go home dad, your drunk!"
As seen above a urinal: What are you looking up here for? The real joke is in your hands.
"E=mc2" (and written underneath it) Very nice, Albert. Next time show your work.
(seen on a restaurant) GUYS: No shirt, no service GALS: No shirt, no charge.
I have great faith in fools - my friends call it self-confidence.
Skipped messages planned for Win98: Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Skipped messages planned for Win98: Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Skipped messages planned for Win98: Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Skipped messages planned for Win98: Press any key to continue except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Skipped messages planned for Win98: Windows error. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del twice now to correct problem.
Skipped messages planned for Win98: Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Skipped messages planned for Win98: Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Skipped messages planned for Win98: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Skipped messages planned for Win98: Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)
Skipped messages planned for Win98: This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
Skipped messages planned for Win98: To shut down your system, type "WIN."
Skipped messages planned for Win98: BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
Skipped messages planned for Win98: CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
Skipped messages planned for Win98: File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Skipped messages planned for Win98: Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Skipped messages planned for Win98: Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Skipped messages planned for Win98: Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Skipped messages planned for Win98: WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
Skipped messages planned for Win98: User Error: Replace user? (Y/N)
Skipped messages planned for Win98: VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
Skipped messages planned for Win98: Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
Skipped messages planned for Win98: If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
Skipped messages planned for Win98: Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted.  The police are on the way.
If Microsoft made cars: For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
If Microsoft made cars: Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would  have to buy a new car.
If Microsoft made cars: Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
If Microsoft made cars: Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
If Microsoft made cars: Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
If Microsoft made cars: Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
If Microsoft made cars: The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 
If Microsoft made cars: New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
If Microsoft made cars: The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
If Microsoft made cars: Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
If Microsoft made cars: Microsoft would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a MS subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them.
If Microsoft made cars: Everytime a new model was made, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
If Microsoft made cars: You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
and the number 1 entry in Bill Gates diary... 7th day: rested.
Why Computers Must Be Male: They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 
Why Computers Must Be Male: A better model is always just around the corner. 
Why Computers Must Be Male: They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. 
Why Computers Must Be Male: It is always necessary to have a backup. 
Why Computers Must Be Male: They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. 
Why Computers Must Be Male: The best part of having one is the games you can play. 
Why Computers Must Be Male: In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 
Why Computers Must Be Male: The lights are on but nobody's home. 
Why Computers Must Be Male: Big power surges knock them out for the night. 
Why Computers Must Be Male: Size does matter.
Why Computers Must Be Female: No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
Why Computers Must Be Female: Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
Why Computers Must Be Female: The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Why Computers Must Be Female: The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
Why Computers Must Be Female: As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.