Your pubic hair will fall off while if you continue doing these misfortunes.
Your mother will find you masterbating to the tv show COPS.
The day will come when you will be burned to death by flaming marshmellows.
While mowing your lawn you will be impaled by a falling telephone pole.
Think VIAGRA soon.
You will walk in on your parents having sex and be traumatized for life. 
Your valentine has given you candy and you will choke on it and die. 
'A bird in the hand can be messy.' 
You will be get "noticed" at an upcoming Halloween Party. Be careful how you dress! 
You will be eaten by a large, hairy monster and will die an agonizing death in its digestive enzymes. Have a nice day. 
Your mom will walk in on you while you're masturbating 
You will never get the smell of elderberries out of your hair
You will fall in a puddle of crap and have to swim your way out!!!! 
You will die a firey death, if you're lucky 
"Confuscious say he who go to bed dreaming of chocolate pudding wake up with spoon in butt" 
TODAY WILL BE THE DAY YOU FALL DOWN THE STAIRS AND SNAP TOUR NECK 
You will be involved in a freak accident involving a bicycle chain and hanging parts of your genitalia. Enjoy! 
You will be involved in a freak gardening accident involving a lawnmower, two pounds of lard and a large ladies' corset
Today you will go up in flames in a misfortunate mishap with a blow torch. 
Some dude will rape your dog tonite 
Not only will you die today, but your also going to finally fall in love. 
You will be tied to a chair & be forced to listen to every New Kids On The Block song in existance.
Your hard drive will CRASH losing all your past Federal tax forms. 
You will not win the lottery this week. 
People are "dying" to meet you...job opportunity at local cemetary. 
"Men are like dogs, always pushing their nose up your crotch"
"Someday your ship will come in....but you'll be at the airport."
"Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to do anything! 
One day a great idea will hit you, and it will be a Mack Truck.
Men are like jack o lanterns, all the cute ones are taken or thier brains are scooped out! 
You will contract a disease for which the cure is so expensive that you will die of poverty. 
You will be killed in a bizarre eyebrow waxing accident.
If you do anything bad today you will be forbidden to hell
YAN-MIN HU WILL HEADBUTT YOU INTO THE GROUND. HE ALSO HAS BIG EARS. 
YOU WILL OVERCOME YOUR TOE-SUCKING FETIS
After working out at the gym you will drop the soap in the shower, and you will be a changed man forever. 
You're gonna choke on your food tonight. Little did you know that that seemingly delicious morsel of meat was that little bullfrog you dissected in biology lab. 
You will sue your wife for removing your gentalia only to be referred to small claims court. 
You will try to divorce your wife, only to find out that she'll always be your sister. 
An invisible rabid woodchuck will soon bite your butt, so don't turn your back on things you can't see this week. 
You will discover that you have been used as a living experiment by the Ministry of Silly Walks and your friends have been laughing about you behind your back for the past six months.
Look around you. Your significant other has just left you, your boss told you that you are a waste of skin immediately before firing you, and your pet rock has rebelled against you. You should make haste to the nearest cliff and drive off the top of it. Your life sucks!
I see leather...and wool involved in your next love relationship.
Love is just around the corner 
A close neighbor has a serious crush on you 
Your ambition will pay off in various ways 
Be patient and love will find a way to you when you least expect it
You will relive a past experience which will be enlightening 
Your lucky number holds very special meaning today so take advantage of it 
An old friendship will rekindle itself 
A friend needs you. Go to them and they will also repay the favor.
You will have 3 wonderful children 
Your life will be long lived and a happy one to boot! 
Financial wealth is not a high priority in your life, but wealth of another kind is 
You will learn that money does not buy happiness 
You possess outer and inner beauty. Hey, you're a knockout!! 
You have a natural ability to calm and sooth people and you put it to good use 
You make a wonderful friend 
You should put more energy into your natural talents. After all, you can't change everything 
This is a perfect time to assert yourself into achieving your goals 
You will never have to worry about your health 
This is a good time to follow your heart, not your mind. 
You will go to great lengths to find love but you should open your eyes to what's already in front of you 
BEWARE: Your patience will be tried in the next day 
Family ties will be reestablished in the near future 
You have talents yet to discover 
Selfish tendencies have a way of coming back at you 
You will have many loves in your life but only one true love 
You are proof that nice people dont finish last so this is a good time to be extra nice! 
Your athletic abilities are extraordinary 
Your luck is about to change 
Something you have been wishing for will come your way soon 
One of your many attributes is your creative imagination 
You will soon go through some physical changes 
Tend to your emotional needs through a friend and you will feel like a new person 
Now is a good time to do that something you have been putting off 
There is an old friend who has been meaning to call but it might be wise for you to make the first move. 
You have been thinking of altering your appearance somehow - hold off 
Today you will be especially charming and likable! 
You look great, and you know it! 
You are very emotionally in tune with yourself but don't over analyze 
You tend to worry about things you can't change, so put your thoughts into more constructive matters 
This is the perfect time to take that holiday which is long overdue 
You have a phobia which, with a little effort, can be overcome 
Dressing nice tomorrow could catch the eye of a special stranger 
You tend to be too hard on yourself - lighten up! 
Confidence will overcome you tomorrow 
Be adventurous this weekend and you will have a wonderful memory 
You are going to do something soon which is totally out of character, but positive 
The next year will bring you much joy and happines
Your hard efforts are not going unnoticed as you are being considered for a promotion 
Financial setbacks will soon change 
This is your lucky week. Go buy a lottery ticket! 
Everyone notices your beautiful smile 
You have been putting off something which should not be put off any longer 
You have and still will learn from your mistakes 
You have an apology to make thats long overdue. Taking this step will relieve your guilts 
You have a tendency to misinterpret what people say. Give them the benefit of the doubt. 
You have a tendency to be a bit shy, but this will change in the future 
You will do something which goes against your morals and have regrets 
You enjoy giving of yourself and it will be paid back 200 percent 
Doing something daring or adventurous will bring you much joy 