The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
All generalizations are false.
The more people I meet, The more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
Save a tree: Eat a beaver.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car... 
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Wink, I'll do the rest.
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
I took an IQ test and failed.
When there's a will, I wanna be in it!
OK, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Assassins do it from behind
Learn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff, Laziness pays off now.
It's lonely at the top, but at least you eat better.
Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Save Water, take a bath with your neighbor's daughter.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
He who laughs last thinks slowly.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
